It’s OK for your parents to be ‘stubborn’ in life
September 23, 2018
By: Mark Harvey
Email: harvemb@dshs.wa.gov
I talk to a lot of people; well, more to the point, a lot of people talk to me.
And one of the subjects that a lot of people talk to me about is their parents – Or parent.
Seems that a lot of these “kids” who talk to me about their parents actually like them, so they worry about them because they want them to be OK. They want them to be…safe.
And in my world, “safe” is often another word for “love.”
Here are some things that some kids say to me, sometimes:
“She’s just so…STUBBORN!”
Has she always been stubborn? Yes? Then, this isn’t a “change,” huh? And what would she do to stop being “stubborn?” This is where it, often, gets quiet – at least, for a minute.
“Well, she’d move out of that big old house where she’s all alone and (a) move in with us, (b) move into that lovely facility I found, (c) move in with my sister, (d) get her medications checked, (e) get some help to come in, (f) get rid of those little dogs that she’s going to fall over and kill herself, (g) quit driving, (h) start getting those “home-delivered meals,” (i) become somebody that I’ve never seen before IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Right. So, in other words, in order to stop being “stubborn,” she’d do what you want her to do so she’ll be safe, right?
Here’s what your Mom knows that you don’t: Nobody on this planet has ever received a guarantee of “safety,” and they likely never will; besides, “safe” just isn’t the most important thing to her.
Huh?
I know that we’ve been around this block before, but it keeps coming up because good, loving folks want me to tell them how to keep their parents (or grandparents, or in-laws, or old friends or whomever) safe. Oh sure, I can talk for hours about gizmos and programs and services and ideas and techniques and approaches and resources and, the fact is, they often “work” – If “work” means make things better and reduce risk. But if you want me to tell you how to be sure Mom is safe, here’s the truth:
Put her in a warm place with lots of staff people (or family) to watch over her all the time and tell her what to do when, be sure she can never go anywhere or do anything that they (or you) don’t know about and “approve,” reduce all risk of falls, burns and accidents, then sew her to the sofa so you can KEEP TRACK OF HER!
Or him. Or them.
Right. Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and pretend you’re her – How does all that sound to you? Right. And you’d rather be…? I know – Me, too. Maybe we’re just stubborn.
When folks describe things that Mom is or isn’t doing, because they wish that she would or wouldn’t, one of the first things I usually ask is, “Is that out of character?” If the answer is “yes,” then we need to talk about medical issues or drug interactions or UTI’s or or or – But if the answer is, “Well, no,” then we need to talk about “negotiation.”
Well, what would you call it? You want Mom to do stuff (or not do stuff) that she is (or isn’t) doing. Mom, assuming the absence of any of those “or, or or’s” above, is obviously doing (or not doing) what she darn well pleases – Sounds like “negotiation” to me.
I’m being too simplistic, you say? You’re absolutely right because, sometimes, Mom is scared and doesn’t know what to do or what kind of help is out there or wouldn’t even know “help” if she saw it! But, she doesn’t want to “burden” you – Hey: She’s spent a lot of her life being about you, so does it surprise you that she still is?
But, sometimes, it isn’t about “help” or ignorance or fear or even martyrdom – Sometimes it’s about Mom being Mom – So the question becomes: Who did you want her to be?
There is almost always some kind of “help” available – Believe me, I know – It’s what I do. But help is only help if it helps, and unwanted help, doesn’t.
Now, do that thing again where you close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine being “safe,” but this time, pretend you’re you. Do you know what you just saw?
Stubbornness.