Baby steps are best when giving Mom ‘help’
March 28, 2019
By: Mark Harvey
Email: harvemb@dshs.wa.gov
This is Week #2 of: HOW CAN I GET MOM TO ACCEPT HELP?
I’m not going to replay all of last week’s column, because then, we’d never get anywhere, so I’ll just trust that you had it firmly taped to the inside of the microwave (Kidding!), and we’re ready to go.
Let’s say that you’re right. Let’s say that Mom does need “help.” Let’s begin with, what kind of help and how much?
“Help” could be anything from getting the laundry done in the basement and back upstairs to post-surgical wound dressing, so let’s get clear. Assuming that you aren’t available to do it, then the first could mean a maid service or a home-care agency or a private individual; the second is about a RN from home health, so let’s define what “help” looks like.
Let’s assume it’s the former, so it’s about housework, maybe some help with shopping…Cooking? Help remembering/managing medications? No, let’s just stay with housework, for now.
Just because Mom might “need” (as opposed to “want”) help with something(s) doesn’t mean she needs help with EVERYTHING – And she probably wouldn’t accept it, anyway.
Let me tell you a story, called “Guerilla Social Work:”
The daughter in Atlanta, two kids, both parents working, is on the phone with Mom on Wednesday evening. Mom happens to mention that she almost busted her b*** hauling the laundry up from the basement the other day. Daughter loves her Mom and flies into town on Friday night.
By the time she flies out on Sunday afternoon, Mom is scheduled to receive two dozen frozen meals, has a one of those panic button thingies hanging around her neck and the housecleaner will be showing up at 8:00 am, Monday morning!
By Wednesday evening, the frozen meals are in the garbage because they wouldn’t all fit in the freezer anyway, the panic button thingy slipped into the garbage disposal while disposing and the housecleaner is history because she didn’t know how to vacuum, ANYWAY!
What happened?? Well, nobody asked Mom what she wanted. The daughter just assumed that she knew what Mom needed.
Now, maybe, if the daughter had asked something like, “Hey, Mom, do you want a hand with that d*** laundry?” Mom might have said, “Yes!”
And, assuming that all went well (good person, job competently done, etc.), Mom might have gradually become open to help with something else (Vacuuming is a popular #2, but whatever), because Mom wasn’t being made to feel “less than” – You get the picture.
And I’m presenting a rosy picture, but I think you get the idea: One step at a time, then pause…Maybe another step, then pause…
Other issues can come into play, in these scenarios, like: Was there a medical “event?” Did Mom have a stroke, or something? That changes the game for everybody, including Mom.
Is there an issue of affordability for this help? Who’s paying? If it’s you, can that be handled in a way that doesn’t make Mom “less than,” like a six-month birthday present, or something?
And if “help” entails a stranger coming into Mom’s home (the family home?), remember that there two HUGE issues that need to be acknowledged and handled:
- Who is this person? Do you know her/him? Have there been background checks? Is Mom willing and able to effectively “supervise?” There are predators out there, so what about the potential for financial exploitation, etc. ad nauseum?
- There needs to be a reasonable personality match between Mom and “help,” if this going to work for any length of time. They don’t have to be Best Friends Forever, but they do have to be able to get along and communicate, and remember this: “Help” has a right to her dignity, too, and Mom needs to acknowledge and honor that.
Yes, it is complicated! And it’s a process, so don’t expect a quick-fix.
And please don’t leap to the assumption that, because Mom fumbled the wet blankets on the basement stairs that she (a) needs to come live with you, or (b) should be immediately relocated to the assisted living facility across town, for all the same reasons we’ve discussed plus several dozen others.
Complicated as this all is, I’ve seen it work thousands of times. If you get lost in the complexity, remember two words: Dignity and respect. Yes, they are both a part of love, but they can get lost in love.
And if you get really lost in it all, just close your eyes and picture yourself. Things get pretty clear, pretty quick.
Mark Harvey is the director of Information and Assistance for Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He can be reached at harvemb@dshs.wa.gov or 532-0520 in Aberdeen, (360) 942-2177 in Raymond or (360) 642-3634. FACEBOOK: Olympic Area Agency on Aging-Information & Assistance.