Grief is a journey we all must make
March 6, 2020
By: Doug Sheaffer
Email: doug.sheaffer@dshs.wa.gov
In my world, loss and grief are not uncommon. We often work with people for extended periods and through many chronic health issues. If a loss is not the client personally, then perhaps a spouse or other loved one—death touches us all.
In truth, any of us belonging to the human race, will experience it at some time and some level. Grief has been mapped, examined, studied, outlined, and diagrammed in almost every conceivable manner. After all this, I am convinced that there is no “right” way that will prove to be the most successful
You and I may or may not fit into one or more of these processes, but one thing is certain. Grief is personal. Each of us work through it in our own unique way.
Some may be devoted to the 5 stages of grief (as in the Kubler-Ross model) : Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, as a step-by-step linear procession. Others may recognize the legitimacy and realize that the stages are fluid.
Still others may not be interested at all—“Just let me grieve and get through it, thank you.”
Grief sometimes becomes less attractive as a study when you are the one experiencing it.
When someone we love passes, there are always details, communications and a thousand things that need to be taken care of. It can become a very busy time and at times overwhelming. Between this and friends and relatives coming by, the days can get quite busy.
There comes a time, however, when all the initial busy-ness slows, and the sense of loss becomes more prominent. In some ways, the world we knew has ended. In other ways, a new world has opened before us.
We realize we are still here, still grieving, and probably just plain tired. The last thing we’ve been thinking about is ourselves. There’s too much to do!
Taking care of ourselves doesn’t mean we stop grieving. It doesn’t mean we’re being selfish or uncaring. It just means things have changed, we’re still here, and life goes on.
The National Institute on Aging (www.nia.nih.gov) is a great source of information, recommendations and helpful hints regarding this topic. To just pick a few very general suggestions from their site (perhaps to serve as reminders):
- Take care of yourself (As noted earlier, this is not being selfish, etc)
- Eat right (a moving target for most of us, but it’s easy to lose interest in eating or cooking in times of grief). Have friends over or meet them for lunch.
- Talk with caring friends (As difficult as it sometimes may be, accept offers for help. Let them know when you want to talk about your loved one—when you’re ready.)
- Visit with members of your religious community (Spiritual practices, prayer, being with people who care in a positive environment—all good)
- See your doctor (Your health, moods, and so on, are important to monitor. And, personally, I’d add: If you feel you need help with depression, anxiety or other mood issues, go for it. It’s not wrong. It’s not weak. It’s a chemical reaction that may need professional assistance to stabilize.
Again, not everyone will experience grief the same way. At various times throughout life, we all “..get by with a little help from our friends..”. Now may be one of those times.
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